After 18 years of marriage and six post-OHS my wife, Laura, decided to divorce me

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PairoDocs

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rural area outside Buhl, Idaho, United States
I guess that there's no delicate way of saying this, but in August of this year, Laura decided that my stunted recovery from my emergency mitral valve repair, manifested by my not getting back into living again, was just too much for her. There was no abuse, physical, verbal, or emotional. There was no adultery. I just wasn't a good enough "leader" in our marriage. When I had first come to the forum I thought that I had beaten the odds. I was so critical when I arrived for surgery I was expected to have only a 50% chance of mere survival, and 90% chance of noticeable brain damage/deficit--thus only a 5% chance of coming out the other side the same Chris I went in as. Well it appears that I wasn't as spared as I thought I'd been. My Aspgerger's Syndrome symptoms and ADHD symptoms became worse and have remained so. Puzzles and games I once found easy are now difficult. For example, a game, RHEM 3, I had extensively beta-tested for the developer, while difficult, I could fairly easiliy and rapidly solve the puzzles. When I tried the same game again both shortly after the OHS and just a month ago I became hopelessly lost and couldn't see the 'creative' solutions I used to see easily. I read over my doctoral dissertation, and while I understood it, I can no longer mentally project the chemistry into what could have been the foundation of my academic research career. I remember I used to be able to do that. Even my science fiction has become rather juvenile in content, very linear and flat. Whereas before, while my characters were sometimes flat, I could mentally keep track of many parallel plot lines, and thus my stories flowed and made logical sense and were interesting to my readers. I've read over my own recent work and have seen story and plot inconsistencies so severe I don't think I'll ever be able to publish since I can't see how to resolve them; before I could just rewrite a few paragraphs and all would be fine. Since none of my prior work was complete, I can't even attempt to publish my other novels.

Oddly enough I'm not really depressed anymore. This self-evaluation is merely factual and not me feeling sorry for myself. I was totally oblivious to Laura's symptoms of probable MS development; before the OHS I could tell exactly how she felt and when she was sick. She told me that she couldn't take my lack of awareness of her needs anymore, and I agreed with her. I am trying to remain friends with her, but she's told me she can't rely on me anymore except for specific discrete events and needs. Since I could no longer function in the intellectual areas as I had been trained in, and am ill-prepared for other directions in life, Laura and the kids suffered as a consequence. I railed at God for 'making me this way' instead of seeking Him for help to accept the changes. I have thus come to the conclusion that I wasn't spared brain damage. I suspect am still in the upper 1/3 or so of expected recovery, just enough to be completely aware of all I've lost. Now I've lost Laura, too. I've reached a place of peace about her departure, and hope that my acceptance of my lower functionality will be enough for me to take my fair share of child-care and adequate upkeep of my house. Laura is the one moving out, and due to my inability to work, I'm the one receiving alimony and child support for my 50% share of the kids' care. I used to be a man of my word, but since my memory is so bad, I seldom keep my promises to any consistent extent anymore, even if I write reminder notes and write on the calendar. I once used to keep our half-acre lawn nicely mowed, but I'm lucky if I mow it more than five times in a year, so it grows tall and weedy. I've accepted that this will never end, so that's why I'm no longer sad about it. I will need the Lord's help to adapt to single life and to my newly accepted deficits, so I'd be grateful for any prayers.

Thanks,

Chris
 

Agian

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Jun 10, 2013
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Adelaide, South Australia
With all these things going on in your life, it's not surprising you feel you have lost you creativity. Could it be that you're still recovering, physically and emotionally? You don't sound like someone with 'brain damage'. I bet you're gifted. Sorry about your divorce. I'd give you a big hug if I could.
 

PairoDocs

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Mar 7, 2008
Messages
380
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rural area outside Buhl, Idaho, United States
Sorry for the rambling. My original idea behind this post was to inform my OHS buddies that Laura would not likely ever post here again due to the divorce. So take it from me, significant others ARE affected by our OHS and recoveries from same. We can't take our partners for granted; they're human, too and have needs. If we don't contribute to our marriages or their equivalents the other partner starves for love as his/her needs aren't met--hat's what happened with Laura--then perhaps the significant other (spouse or the like) may give up. To my fellow OHS recovering folks, unless you take action to support your partnership, you could end up like me.

Thanks again,

Chris
 

knotguilty

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Jul 29, 2013
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Location
Salem County, NJ
PairoDocs, I have to say that even though you say you cannot write anymore, your thoughts and feelings are written articulately. Maybe just maybe, there is something still there to work with. It is so sad that your wife left you and I cannot imagine how it feels, but you have to be strong for your children. They, I am sure, are relying on you. You certainly will be in my prayers, but unfortunetly or fortunetly, you have to reinvent yourself and find a way to overcome your shortcomings. Today is the first day of the rest of your life. As hard as it is, if it were me, I would get up, and move on. Things don't always go the way we want them or expect them to go. I look at life as a blessing, I can't wait to see what tomorrow brings. And as long as I am on this earth, I will do everything I can to make my life better and hopefully the people around me. Find your inner strength and go for it.
 

Michellemar

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Mar 6, 2011
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140
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Live near Santa Barbara, California, treated at US
PairoDocs, you obviously are articulate... I can't possibly feel your pain but having been laid up now over and over for over three years, friends have just kind of walked off as I'm not out "doing things ". It's hard... But somehow it's our path to do THIS MINUTE as we go- pilgrims... Prayers, may you be surrounded with unseen love, and a big smile-and-hug from here...
 

big_L

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Apr 3, 2013
Messages
261
Location
Iowa
Good luck with your future. My OHS caused such a strain and 'picked at some wounds' to such a degree that I wondered many times if my marriage would survive. So, I feel for you. Move on and I hope you reach a point that you can live healthily and happily.
 

pellicle

Professional Dingbat
Joined
Nov 4, 2012
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6,156
Location
Queensland, OzTrayLeeYa
Hi

PairoDocs;n847773 said:
I guess that there's no delicate way of saying this, but
my condoloances on the loss of your marriage. Its very sad that this happens and I hope that the process is something which in some small way brings comfort or learning to you and your family. I can not imagine how, but I do try to see the possibility for good within calamity.

You sound from what you write that you are coping well with it all and that you are finding peace within the path that you are on. I hope that you do find the wisdom that you need. It does seem however that you are on the right path. If you ever wish to have anyone listen, please contact me. I am not sure I'm well equipped with wisdom in this area, but I can at least listen and offer what insight I can.

even if it is only to recommend better science fiction authors (like Larry Niven)

My best wishes.
 

Pawstruck

Member
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May 15, 2015
Messages
9
Location
Minneapolis, Minnesota
Hello Chris, I am sad to hear of both your health and marriage issues. Emergency OHS is deeply traumatic on many levels, and it seems you're experiencing most of them. I always go back to God's promises when things are really hard...He is love...He made you for a reason..."He he does not treat us as our sins deserve or repay us according to our iniquities." Psalm103:10 He forgives....Reading my Bible every day healed a lot of hurts in my heart. My parents had a very painful divorce--it is another deep grief and so I hope there are people close to you who can support you in all of this. I hope your family also has a strong support system. This type of pain is too much to endure alone. Asperger's can be difficult and a blessing--I know because my daughter, son-in-law and granddaughter are all Aspies; it is a wonderful thing and at times a hard thing but they have many gifts and we are are all thankful for them. It is a challenge for them to "read" the emotions of others on a good day...and they are healthy and very bright. I can't imagine them struggling to do it after serious OHS. My heart goes out to you on many levels--simply dealing with Asperger's is a challenge in marriage, let alone MS and OHS. As a professor and a writer, I can imagine a little of the huge grief you must be experiencing in struggling to be who you were and still are in many ways; to see your characters live again on paper. I am praying your heart and mind will heal and that you and your family will be at peace. Please pm me if you'd like to talk further. Grace and peace... (Isaiah 41:10)
 

PairoDocs

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Joined
Mar 7, 2008
Messages
380
Location
rural area outside Buhl, Idaho, United States
Thank you all for your kind words of support. I haven't been here in a long time due to my traumatic response to the divorce. Only now am I starting to feel like I'm moving on a bit. The kids have suffered a lot. Both, despite high intelligence have failing grades in school, and I don't know what to do about it. My own 8th valversary is today, so that's why I'm back. Thanks Pawstruck for the recent post and words of encouragement. I hope to stop in more often if I can.

Thanks,

Chris
 

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