1/29 will set surg. date-need help with several questions

[lildebkay]

Well, back on 11/20, my cardio said it is elective for me to have my bicuspid aortic valve replaced. I have trained the person who will do my work while I am gone, and I finally see my cardiologist 1/29 to set up when I will have the surgery. I am thinking it will be the second or third week of February. He has picked the surgeon, but I have not met him yet. They will do my cath. the 1st day I am in the hospital I guess. That is what he told me back in Nov. anyway. I had a TEE done about 2 1/2 years ago that confirmed my bicuspid aortic valve.

Once I have scheduled the surgery, what other things can I expect to go through before the surgery day finally comes? I have had blood work done already to check my hypothyroidism, liver, and cholesterol. My teeth are in wonderful condition.

I would feel better, obviously, to meet the surgeon beforehand, but what do I ask him? I already plan to bombard the cardio. with questions this Thursday (1/29).

Does anyone know of an internet solution to preparing your will yourself without hiring a lawyer? And also the living will and any other legal things I should do.

I am allowing 6 weeks off of work. I hope that is enough time. My cardio. told me at least 4 weeks.

We live in a tri-level which means there is no bathroom on the floor where our living room is. Where will I spend most of my time the first week being home... in bed, or in the recliner? Will I be able to get around fine these first few days after the hospital, or should I make sure someone is here with me?

Also, I have an 11 year-old son who wants to be there the day of the surgery. Any opinions on that? I think he is afraid if he isn't there I may die and he won't get to see me before that, I'm unsure. I told him I will look horrible and may scare him more to see me after surgery, but he REALLY insists that he is going to be there with his Dad.

One last question ~ I assume if I have surgery done mid Feb., that bowling is out of the question until next fall. I am on a weekly league that finishes near the end of April.

Any input anyone has would be wonderful. Thank-you

 

[Gemma]

Hi Debbie,
My boyfriend Jim had his aortic valve replaced on 9th December. We're in the UK so I'm not sure what exactly will happen for you in terms of when you have tests done, but Jim went into the hospital 2 weeks before his surgery for a few hours to have various tests (x-ray, ecg, echo, height/weight, blood samples, lung capacity etc) done and also got to meet the surgeon and his assistant - who spent something like 1 1/2 hours talking with us. No doubt Nancy will come along and direct you to a list of questions to ask!
One thing I think you should be prepared for is that you may need more than 6 weeks off work. Everybody's different, and if everything goes according to plan and you have a desk job you may be fine to go back after this amount of time, but I'm sure everyone will agree that you shouldn't commit yourself to anything just yet. It's much more important that you're fully recovered and feel well than to go to work just because you told them before the operation that you would. Work to live, don't live to work
You'll need to take things slowly when you're first home - walk, breathe, nap is the mantra here And make sure someone is around the house for at least the first few days.
As for your son wanting to be there - I totally understand how he feels. Maybe he could come and see you before you go in for the operation, and stay with his dad in the waiting room during surgery? Then he can decide at the time whether he wants to see you in ICU or wait until you're on a ward/in a room? It's probably easier for him to be there and decide NOT to go in than not be there and decide that he wants to see you.
Hope this helps and that I haven't made it sound too scary This is just one of those situations where you have to go with the flow and take one day at a time.
Gemma (& Jim).

 

[Guest]

Hi Debbie!

I would agree with Gemma that comitting yourself to 6 wks recovery time may not be the best thing to do. When I had my surgery (I was teaching Pre-K kids at the time ) I was able to take off 8 wks. before returning to work and I was pretty tuckered out after just 1/2 a day with them! You will probably feel pretty good by 6 wks. but no where close to "normal".

Yes, it would be a good idea to have someone stay with you for at least the first week home. I had an aunt come a stay with me and she took care of meals, cleaning, errands and running the kids wherever they needed to be....it was wonderful! I didn't have to worry about anything....all I had to do was rest!

Bless your son's heart I know that he must be worried. My oldest was also 11 when my surgery was done. My kids did not see me until a couple days after surgery. I was in a private room by then.....the hospital would not have let them in to see me in even if I had wanted them there...

Take care and best wishes to you...
Keep us posted on when you get a definite date for surgery!

 

[Ross]

Deb don't skimp on the legal matters. Pay an attorney to cover all your bases. The last thing you'd want is someone blowing a huge hole in your final wishes because of some technicality. I hired one and she made my will, living will, durable power of attorney, and one other item that eludes me right now, for under $100. I don't have a lot of money and couldn't afford that at the time, but she took payments till it was paid off. I'm saying don't trust the internet, software, or any self help means when it comes to something this important.

You most certainly want someone with you for the first week after you get home and two weeks if they can manage it. Consider getting or renting a portable comode so that you don't have to deal with climbing stairs often to use the bathroom. You are going to be very weak for awhile. You'll probably be alot more comfortable in a recliner then you would a bed, but that's something you'll have to find out for yourself.

Make no committment as to when you can return to work. Let the Doctor decide that issue for you. 6 to 8 weeks is normal, sometimes even longer.

When it comes to children, I don't hold anything back. Sure it'll scare him to see you after surgery and maybe even make him sick, but I know that mine wouldn't have wanted it any other way. There are others here that will say that you shouldn't allow it, but reality is reality, why hide the truth.

Bowling is definately over for this season! See ya in the fall.

 

[fisher6476]

Hi Deb,
First of all I have to aree with Ross on the legal side. See an attorney. I don't know if you will know where you will sleep until you try it. I was never able to sleep on my back and when I got home I slept in an easy chair ( actually I am lucky enough to have one chair upstairs and one chair down stairs), and am just now (7weeks post op) starting to spend some time in the bed. I have a brother however who just had bypass surgery and had no trouble sleeping in a bed. As far as you son goes, I would make sure he knows AS MUCH AS POSSIBLE how you will look and why you will look that way. In other words explain the tubes and IV"s etc so he has some understanding of why all that stuff is there. I have a sixteen year old son and even after explaining thing to him he did not do to well when he saw me first day pst op.
The portable commode is a gerat idea. As ross said the first few days you will be VERY weak, why put yourself through more than you need to. Once you have set the date you may find the waiting is the WORST. Hopefully you have a hobby or can find something that will take your mind off the wait.
Other than that, write down questions you may want to ask DRs, and keep reminding yourself what is really very true. This is all manageable, and once we get you back here with us on the OTHER SIDE, each day will find you doing better and better.
Steve

 

[MarciaB]

Yes, you want someone to stay with you the first week home. You won't be able to drive, so someone will have to be there to take you to doctor's appointments and do the usual driving that needs to be done when you have kids. Also, I found it very tiring to get myself meals for the first few days, and of course there is fetching to be done.

I have a lot of stairs in my house, and didn't have a problem with them, go slow and hold on. I didn't make too many extra trips those first few days, but going up and down when I needed to was OK.

My 11 year old daughter went to the hospital the day of surgery. I couldn't imagine sending her to school. My older daughter, 19, came home the night before. We let them sleep in some, I had to check in at 5 am. They got to the hospital about 6:30 to spend a little time with me before surgery. My business partner and a friend of my husband's also came a little later. They took cards and played card games (Hearts!) to distract themselves. I had arranged with my surgeon to have someone come down and explain the surgery to the girls and give them an idea what to expect when they saw me. They unfortunately did not follow through with this (see what happens when you're not around to manage things?). My husband came in to see me after I was "awake", but still on the ventilator. He asked if I wanted the girls to come in, but I shook my head no. (an aside - I wish someone had asked me if I was in pain, I don't know if they could have done anything, but it was frustrating that no one asked). Everyone came in for a brief visit after the tube was out. The 11 year old was very quiet on the way home that night, she got home and went straight to bed at 7 o'clock, didn't even want dinner.

They came and visited the next night, I looked better and she seemed to appreciate that. The next day when they came, I was feeling even better and able to joke around some, and she seemed really relieved then. I don't know what the best thing to do is, it sounds like your son really wants to be there. It may be harder for him if he is shut out than to go.

Marcia
MVR 12/9/2003

 

[lildebkay]

thanks for the info

thanks for the info

My employer is flexible and they will be OK if I can not come back at 6 weeks.

I did check out a few web sites regarding wills, and I would be afraid to go that route. I didn't realize I could get a will and the other items for under $100 at an attorney. I just assumed it would be hundreds. I do have one recommended to me locally, so I will give them a try.

I will check with my cardiologist on Thurs. to make sure Justin will be allowed in the hospital, and if they are OK with it, I will let him come the day of surgery.

Yes the waiting is horrible. I try not to think about it. I can't even imagine the morning of, what that must be like.

I'll keep you all posted as to when the surgery will be.

Thanks again,

Debbie

 

[Kathy]

I didn't realize I could get a will and the other items for under $100

That would vary according to the complexity of your estate.

I have a thirteen year old and had a lot of conflict about her coming to see me. I talked to someone who had been a church chaplain. She told me that people's choices vary, but that my husband and I should discuss everything with my daughter and let her decide. One thing that I told her was that It wouldn't hurt my feelings if she decided not to go.

 

[Marge]

The Living Will and Durable Power of Attorney for Health Care forms are standard forms (at least in my state, California), and readily available. You really don't need an attorney to do them. Your doctor's office or the hospital may even have some available. When I went to the hospital for my cardiac catheritization, they handed copies to me to fill out when I was being admitted for the procedure -- but I have had those forms done since 2000 and brought a copy with me for their files. The "living will" is not enough -- it just says what you do and don't want done -- you need the durable power of attorney for health care, which appoints someone to make those decisions for you if you can't do it.

For the testamentary will, I'd definitely advise you to get an attorney. I've seen too many problems created by botched wills done by people who thought they could save a few bucks & do their own. I don't know how much it would cost you -- could be more than $100, depends on how complicated your assets are, whether you want to establish a trust, etc.

You might also consider doing a General Power of Attorney in addition to the Power of Attorney for Health Care. This authorizes someone (usually spouse, parent, SO) to make other legal/financial decisions for you, access information from records, etc., if you can't. I had one of these for my mom. Was really surprised how many things I needed it for when I was handling her affairs. Couldn't even get the cable company to talk to me about her delinquent cable TV bills -- without showing them my Power of Attorney.

 

[Raverlaw]

Will cost does vary; but a simple will should not be very expensive at all. I highly recommend using an attorney. Do-it-yourself wills only cause problems; you would seriously be better off without a will than with a will that was incorrectly done.

I, too, am struggling with whether or not to let my 10 year old daughter come in to see me immediately post-op. She is an advanced reader and has read all of the brochures, etc. I got from the cardiologist and surgeon. She knows what they're going to do to me. She is fascinated with the idea that I will get an artificial valve and is glad that the doctors can "fix" what is wrong with me. I'm not so sure that her interest will translate when she sees me on a ventilator and hooked up to tubes and wires galore. Also, if I'm not doing well or obviously in pain, I'm afraid it would really disturb her.

My wife and I are going to spend the night before in a hotel near the hospital (5 a.m. check in ) so we don't have to make the drive in the morning, so she will stay with friends. I think she might be better off going to school that day and then coming to visit me in the hospital the next day (Saturday) when I *should* be doing lots better and be disconnected from some of the tubes.

You should definitely talk it over with your son and do what you think is best for his level of understanding and maturity.

 

[Georgia]

I truly believe that kids @10 and up should be allowed to see their parents in the hospital if they choose to. My belief is that if you don't let them, their imaginations will run amok and they'll be much worse off. When they see you looking awful and swollen, etc., then they can deal with "that's the worst of it" and get on with things. They also want to be part of the family issues.

I also think that no kid should be forced to see us if they're afraid.

My personal experience was seeing my mom after a bad car accident - teeth broken off, drains, tubes, bruised, stitched, etc; and I was glad to see her and know that she was there, under the mess.

 

[Birky]

kids

kids

My granddaughter who was 12 at the time came to see 2 days after the surgery. As usual I was in my recliner so she climbed on the bed to watch TV. The surgeon came in to visit and asked her if she would like an iv or something. Our twins who are six came later in the week to see me. They refer to the surgery as when the Dr. cut your heart open. Checked out the scar many times. The boys who are 3 and 5 came the next day. The little guy had them put him next to me in bed and thought that he should stay for the night. Cried when he had to go home. My youngest son who was 29 at the time, was really upset the whole time. Had a great Dr. who took time to explain what he had done. I had pretty much everything ready by the time I went. Had 3 weeks to prepare. I cooked and froze and cooked and froze. Friends brought in a lot of food which helped. Will had been done and my husband knew my directives. Going to do a living will soon. Went through not having one with one of our parents. We did not know what he wanted. Sounds like you are on the right track. The waiting is the worse. Good luck and God bless,

 

[dwfreck]

Debbie,

Double, triple, and quadruple ditto on what everyone else has said. Here's two wrinkles I can offer:

1) My surgeon's practice strongly recommends (read INSISTS) that a responsible adult be with me 24x7 the first week after I get out of the hospital.

2) I vividly remember the first time one of my parents had inpatient surgery: My dad had eye surgery when I was 19 or 20. I wanted to be there, but not first thing in the early morning pre-op (like my mom wanted). Then I was really scared when I saw him post-op; that was the first time I realized that my father was not, in fact, an imortal being! But, I wouldn't have wanted it any other way. My feelings on the subject: As much as possible, let your son make his own choices about seeing you before and after surgery, within the limits set by hospital policy and the fact that he can't drive yet. Also remember that your husband will be there to guide and console him, and he will be there to guide and console your husband. While you may not "look good" at the hospital, you probably still won't "look good" even after you get home, and you can't hide from your son there!

 

[medtronic of borg]

most hospitals can help you put together your living will. As for your last will and testment , you can write your oun but you need to include:
1. identity of testator
2. id of family and friends
3.instructions as to the payment of debts.
4. gifs to identified individuals
5gifts to charity
6 means of handling gifts and property not accounted for.
7. appoinment of executor.
8.spelling out the power given the eccutor or alternate.
9. signature and two witnesses.(witness can not be a part of will).
10. two dates clearly identified. One the date of writting, two the date of each signings.

Now let me make it clear I am not a lawer!! just been through this. So I would check out a book in the library on this.

Med

 

[Tony]

Hi Debbie,

I think 6 weeks at home should be planned as a minimum. Your doctor should clear you for work when he feels it is appropriate. I think you should then return to work on a part time basis until you feel stronger. Ask your cardiologist about rehab if your insurance covers it. If so, this usually occurs from weeks 6 to 12 post surgery

You will be walking in the hospital. At home I think you will spend most of your time in the recliner. Plan on the portable commode for the first floor even though you may not need it.

Someone to stay with you at home for the first few days is a good idea.

I am not a lawyer but I think your estate will transfer to your husband, then your son even without a will.

If your son wants to be there to see you, then I agree with Ross --- let him. Explain to him as much as possible what he will see.

As for bowling, 12 weeks minimum post -op before you try even a frame. That sternum must heal securely.

I know you will get through all this with flying colors.

Tony

 

[George DiMundo]

I agree that your son should be there at the hospital if he wants to be there. While he should be prepared for all the tubes and wires that will be coming out of you I also think he should see you in the ICU if he chooses to do so and the hospital permits it. At first you will be unaware of the presence of anyone in the ICU room but as you awaken he will be reassured that you are going to get through this. My sons (30 and 32) are considerably older than yours but they and my wife (their mom) went out for a light lunch and a walk while I was in surgery, returning to the surgical waiting room after about 2 hours so the doctor could find them when he was done with me. I have often thought that they had it much worse than I during the surgery. I was sedated and what was going to happen was going to happen. They enjoyed the time together. Perhaps your husband and son would enjoy doing something along those lines rather than sitting in the waiting for at least three hours.

I only had 9 days to wait for my surgery. I was busy making preparations for a substitute teacher and I tried not to dwell on the fear of the operation. Try to focus on the fact that you will have a more efficient heart after the surgery. Good luck!

 

[angelo vangeli]

thanks for all this info on the wills etc...
Good forum posts.
I really need to get an attorney since I have not done so.
My surgery has been post poned to 3/10/03 so I stil have time.

Reading this forum has helped me a great deal. My wife and I are discussing what to say to our 9 yr old twins when they see me when I'm home. She will be reluctant to bring them to the hospital.
Just hope it will not affect them emotionally. I take it that being honest helps, children are pretty smart these days.