Michelle,
Welcome to VR.COM! Sorry you're here but glad you found us!
This is a surreal time (at least it was for me). I hadn't been to a doctor in 21 years (since I was 16). Since I was nearing forty and my dad just had double bypass, I decided to go in for general checkup. My GP heard a murmur and said, "Well lots of people have murmurs and it is usually nothing, but just to be sure, let's get you to a cardio". Sonogram diagnosed mild/moderate regurg from congenital BAV. Cardio said probably years for surgery but need to check it regularly. Fast forward 18 months (my next doctor visit after my GP sent a hand written letter asking me to come back in and get it checked) with sonogram cardio says surgery within 3 months.
I FREAKED! I think all I said was "Damn". Anyway 2nd and 3rd opinions postponed surgery until June cardio visit this year said "Your left ventricle is starting to enlarge to the point we need to do this sometime this fall.
I FREAKED AGAIN! This can't be happening to ME!!! I'M HEALTHY. I don't smoke (never have), drink one glass of red wine each night (never drank to excess even in college), I eat decent, I exercise some (ok not as much as I should and I have a few extra pounds but not fate. I have never done any illegal drug. I've lived my life Clean!!! I CAN"T HAVE HEART PROBLEMS at 41 years old!!!!!
This isn't fair. What is God thinking?? I mean c'mon .... This is ME!
So then my analytical nature kicked back in and I started to research. I learned that the most important decision I could make in this process is who my surgeon is. I want the best. I want a "Type A", perfectionist that is never satisfied. I want someone driven to be perfect. I don't care if he is a nice guy - I'm not going drinking with him. He is going to cut open my chest and replace my heart valve. I want a perfectionist with the PROVEN skill to back it up. So my message to you is find the most elite surgeon that you can get to for your surgery. Research him (don't just take your cardio's suggestion carte blanche). Search him online, ask opinions here and in your community. Talk to him. Ask him his numbers - he'll tell you.
So I did learn during this process that I have PSM ("Pre-Surgery Moodiness"). I would get sad, mad, scared, irritated, peaceful, depressed... all within the course of a day sometimes. In talking with others I learned that these feelings are all normal. Realize you are FREAKING OUT and/or have PSM. Your stress/emotionalism may amplify symptoms in the time leading up to your surgery. Some nights I found it hard to sleep. I felt every heartbeat. I felt "twinges" in my chest. Was that pain or stress or imagination?
I learned to talk to myself and realize I was freaking out. I learned to remind myself that I had PSM and to monitor my responses to my own thoughts, to my loved ones, to my friends, to normal frustrations in life. Once in a while I just wanted to yell at my employees "All of you get over your petty little life dramas because I have a heart problem and I'll trade your broken car for a damaged heart!" (I never did that of course...)
Realize that your husband is probably REALLY FREAKING OUT at this situation. Yet he doesn't want to show you that he is FREAKING OUT. He probably wants to appear strong and confident that this is going to work out fine. He doesn't want to show you his fear because that might cause you doubt or fear or sadness that he is afraid. He wants to believe that this is the imminently "fixable" problem that the docs say it is - but he doesn't have enough knowledge to know that to be true. So, he is scared spitless but doesn't want you to see that. So - he stays busy, doesn't want to let his emotions break through.
How do you want him to react? I couldn't answer that question for myself. Did I want my wife to be sad? Did I want her to be confident? Did I want her to listen to all the details of my 100's of hours of research? Did I want her to want just the cliff notes version on my research? Did I want her confident? Did I want her peaceful?
The answer to all those questions was "Yes". I wanted all of them at different times and sometimes at the same time. How could I tell her what I wanted her to feel/say/think? Especially when I didn't always know myself.
Spend some time here. Talk with others that have been through this and with others who are waiting. Look at the valve-selection forum and check out the sticky thread regarding valve type selection.
Know that elite surgeons at top facilities have tremendous success. Know that this is a mechanical problem that can only be fixed by a surgeon. Know that the timing is critical (when you start experiencing symptoms or you see a trend of enlargement in heart dimensions). Fixing the problem at this point prevents permanent, irreversible damage to the heart which can occur by waiting too long and letting the symptoms/dimensions get worse.
Take the time to learn as much as you need to know to satisfy your own quest for knowledge/peace. Make your 1st decision (surgeon) and then your second (valve type) based on your learning and surgeon recommendations.
Good luck,
Have a Merry Christmas,
David