Treated/Viewed Dfferent

[Cooker]

How do you deal with people treating or viewing you differently since your OHS? It really bothers me that some people (family members) seem to think of me as someone who has a "condition". I tried to explain and reason with them to no avail. I get comments like "well you have to be on coumadin" and "you can't eat certain foods" and "you had a-fib" add infinitum. It is starting to really make me mad. I don't look at myself this way and I guess that's what matters. I do not want anyone to feel like thay have to make concessions for me in any way.

Does this attitude fade with time? I am only five months post op but I feel like I am out of the woods and well on my way to a full recovery if not already there. Feel better than I have felt in a long time. Any comments or insight will be much appreciated.

Tom

 

[Superbob]

Never Alone

Never Alone

Well, I'll tell you how I feel, approaching a year and a half post-op.

There are true friends, rare and precious. They will treat you the same no matter what your health issues.

There are people who will always shy away or look askance because you have had OHS. Who needs them?

There are Type A personality workplace bosses who will view you as never worthy of the pressure cooker again. I got pushed out by one of those. Who needs a jackass like that? I am better off starting a more independent life.

Finally, there is the always-accepting, always-understanding family of vr.com. Here's a big bunch of friends who accept you and understand you because they've been there and they have empathy. So we are never alone.

 

[Ross]

I get comments like "well you have to be on coumadin" and "you can't eat certain foods" and "you had a-fib" add infinitum.
Tom

Oh the myths surrounding Coumadin! Time for you to speak up and tell these people the truths about the Drug so they don't go around making the same mistakes with someone else. I do hope your not falling for this garbage of not eating certain things and avoiding this and that. At least I hope we taught you better.

 

[Georgia]

Many people are rude; if they're relatives they think they can be even ruder. Some are probably actually being sympathetic. Sometimes it's hard to tell the two apart.

I think you really need to let this roll off your back. It's not worth getting angry about. The people who count know how to treat you; the others are simply irrelevant.

As they watch you behave like you always did, doing the same things you did, eating whatever you want, they'll lose interest in your "condition".

These people are the flip side of those who think that you should recover from ohs in 6 weeks just like they recovered from their appendectomy/hysterectomy/gallbladder surgery. They simply have no understanding of the underlying issues. But they're so nosy they can't keep their mouths shut.

Just remember what and who's important.

 

[Mary]

Well Cooker,
I get it from my own kids, all the time.

We organized a family dodgeball team (I organized ). One boy said, "Did you ask your doctor if you could do this?"
The other said, "You know they're going to be throwing a ball at you, and if they hit you in your chest, you might explode . . .then we'd have bacon for dinner."

My answer was, "you all would have hamburger, not bacon."

My son in law said, "all this talk is making me hungry; let's eat!"

So until I get my own family straightened around, I'm not going to worry about friends or strangers!

 

[marky]

I haven't been 'well' long enough yet to experience that.. but I will echo the VR family.. we are all in the same boat here!
Sorry that you feel like others are treating you in such a manner.

 

[Marguerite53]

Mary, that's a hilarious story!!! Very cute!!

I wonder if some people are just boring. I mean really. Do they have nothing else to talk about but your health?? Be glad they are not listing off their own health issues.

It could be that they are trying to be nice....sympathetic. Not many people are good listeners, so explaining over and over is not really going to get them "there".

A very sweet (and very bright!) neighbor of mine came over about a month out and we were talking about things. She was trying to be interested as best she could even though she had no experience with heart surgeries. At one point she was looking at my scar and said, "so, how deep is that cut, how far do they go in?" Well folks.....that's kind of obvious isn't it??!! It was so hard not to laugh out loud. But she was truly being sweet, so I did my best to honor her kindness.

When I think how much I didn't know when I first joined this site, and I'd had the BAV identified for almost 30 years so I was way ahead of the game in many ways. Well. Cooker. Cut them a little slack. Steer them to something more interesting to talk about!

Marguerite

 

[Mary]

Marguerite,
To update the story, tonight we had our first dodgeball game. I was hit early on, and fell face down, HARD, on the floor. I whacked my shoulders and chest; realized nothing had popped open, so stood back up and kept playing.
The next game, I tripped going after a ball, fell backwards, HARD, but other than my pride and a sore right hand, nothing was hurt.

It's an odd thing to say, but I felt much better after the falls. Maybe I secretly believed the kids might be right . . . but they were wrong!
Can I do my happy dance now?

 

[Praline]

Chuckle...

Chuckle...

I do not mean to be rude but I had to chuckle at your post. People just do not know... I cannot eat what I used to eat, not because of coumadin, but ... because fried catfish, fried shrimp, boiled crawfish, cheesecake,..etc. is not the best food for someone who just had a blockage in the main artery to the heart. Then I get," But for how long? When will you be able to eat "normal?" Don't forget I live near New Orleans.
But what brought on the chuckle was thinking back 20+ years ago when my brother was diagnosed with a serious kidney disease. In no time he ended up on dialysis. His wife would just get so upset by people's questions.
Like" Is he still on dialysis? How long is he going to have to do that?"
Well, until he gets a kidney transplant.
Oh, but...
Then when he finally got a kidney transplant , from me, it practically split the family in half. Some relatives' question was " What are you going to do now?" duh!! What do you think? People who thought I was ruining my health by donating a kidney must be amazed that 20+ years later, I survived OHS>
People just don't know.

 

[Guest]

Can I do my happy dance now?

*nods*

ABSOLUTELY .

*waits patiently for Mary's Happy Dance*


Seriously, tho, Tom, I certainly understand your frustrations/concerns. I can't say that it'll ever go completely away, but their interest will diminish over time. I agree tho ... it isn't something worth getting too upset about....



Cort, "Mr MC" / "Mr Road Trip", 32swm/pig valve/pacemaker
MC:family.IL.guide.future = http://www.chevyasylum.com/cort/
chdQB = http://www.chevyasylum.com/cort/quilt.html
"Oh, I'm sorry, I forgot where I was" ... Patty Loveless ... 'I Try To Think About Elvis'

 

[gijanet]

Hmmmm................

Hmmmm................

I can't offer you much advice. It's kind of strange, but we get just the opposite reaction from most folks. Granted, looking at Katie and how active she is, it's hard to believe that she has had five heart surgeries and spent a total of 81 days hospitalized. Most of the responses we get are, "So, she's fixed now, right?" Uh, yeah..........if you overlook the fact that her heart only pumps blood to her body, NOT her body and lungs like most folks, and she's on coumadin........for life! Yeah, I'd say she's "fixed." Well, to be honest, I would rather have it this way and people treating her "normally" as opposed to treating her with kid gloves.

On another thought, if this advice is coming from your loved ones( I presume family members are loved ones) , I bet it is just because they LOVE you and don't want to risk losing you. I don't think it is to treat you as a diminished person, just that they want to keep you around for a very long time. Once they see that you are not so fragile, I bet they ease up. Hang in there, sweetie! Hugs. Janet

 

[Ozmercy]

This could be fun

This could be fun

I agree with Rachel, milk it! I have a couple of friends who bouoght me very pricey birthday gifts after they found out i was going through all this stuff. On the way home I told my wife, "I should've told them I am facing a life threatening problem a long time ago. A Tommy Bahama shirt and and a speaker home for my ipod. Wow. Okay I am just kidding. It is irritating to be treated this way. If some straight talk can't turn them around maybe time will. The balance between being overly protective and being careless isn't always easy to find. I mowed the lawn on July 4th and got the wrath of the wife. I don't know some times I just don't want to sit around and have everybody doing my jobs. I am trying very hard to keep the balance and i am sure you are anxious to get on with your life now that you are post-op. maybe giJanet has the right perspective, they just love and are having a hard time adjusting.

Randy

 

[ALCapshaw2]

Marguerite,
To update the story, tonight we had our first dodgeball game. I was hit early on, and fell face down, HARD, on the floor. I whacked my shoulders and chest; realized nothing had popped open, so stood back up and kept playing.
The next game, I tripped going after a ball, fell backwards, HARD, but other than my pride and a sore right hand, nothing was hurt.

It's an odd thing to say, but I felt much better after the falls. Maybe I secretly believed the kids might be right . . . but they were wrong!
Can I do my happy dance now?

My first thought after reading your story was: "Was she wearing any Head Protection"?

Head injuries to a Coumadin patient can be DANGEROUS, even FATAL, especially if there is a Brain Bleed so some kind of head protection should be worn whenever there is a risk of a hard bump to the head. A bicycle helmet might be sufficient for 'court games'.

'AL Capshaw'

 

[Mary]

My first thought after reading your story was: "Was she wearing any Head Protection"?

Head injuries to a Coumadin patient can be DANGEROUS, even FATAL, especially if there is a Brain Bleed so some kind of head protection should be worn whenever there is a risk of a hard bump to the head. A bicycle helmet might be sufficient for 'court games'.

'AL Capshaw'

No coumadin usage here, Al.
And happily I didn't whack my head; just one knee, one hand, chest and shoulders!

Cort,
Thanks for waiting patiently for my happy dance.
Here it is:

 

[Randy & Robyn]

My parents and brother would be drowning me in their pity right now...if they had a clue that I even had open heart surgery. My decision to not tell them was a risk but it paid off. They are blissfully unaware of my entire ordeal and I don't have to deal with them pampering me or worrying about me.

I was over visiting them a week after my surgery and they had no clue. I just told them I was walking a bit stiff because I pulled a muscle in my back. Worked like a charm.

I wouldn't recommend this to others but, in my case, with a family that fixates on every little health issue, it was my only option. I spared them a great deal of pain and suffering.

Randy

 

[ALCapshaw2]

Regarding Cooker's original question, I suspect that life will return to normal after your family sees that you really are doing 'OK'.

In the mean time, I like Rachel's suggestion to "milk it for all it's worth". Let THEM do all the Heavy Stuff you can pass off their way. Once they see you are fully capable of doing it for yourself, I expect they will be happy to let you do so and stop the frivilous comments.

'AL Capshaw'

 

[Guest]

Cort,
Thanks for waiting patiently for my happy dance.

You are welcome!

*grins*

And well worth the wait that dance was, too .

 

[denobobeno]

I think you should milk it for everything it's worth. Does this mean they will carry your suitcases? Cook for you? What?

I agree with Rachel! I'm hoping it will get me out of doing the 'Christmas' dishes! My sister's always seem to conveniently come up with some malady so now it's my turn!! Jk
People treat me differently already, before surgery, but, I know that it's just because they are scared and concerned. Be patient, soon they'll see how great you are doing!!
xxooDeana

 

[OldManEmu]

Conditions

Conditions

In Australia military service is until 55 years of age. Anything that would make you ineligible for military service is considered a medical condition. So I would consider someone with a VR less than 55 years of age as having a medical condition including myself. If you are under 55 years and are considered unfit for military service and emergency service police, and fire you have a medical condition. I am not on Warfarin however I consider that I have a medical condition and I will have it until the day I die.

 

[dj/utvolsfan]

Cookie,
You know what is really neat? With this huge self-improvement kick you have been on, you are more than likely in much better health than the entire lot of people at your dinner table. Bottom line though...maybe they aren't as tactful as they could be, but I guarantee their comments come out of genuine love for you......so count your lucky stars and pass the cole slaw!
Deb