What to say to a Terminal Cancer Patient?

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Bina

Premium Level User
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Feb 22, 2007
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East Ontario, Canada
This is a foreign topic for me, I'm stumped.
A neighbour down the road is at home with terminal lung cancer which has spread throughout his body.
(we bought our farm from him)
My husband and I would like to send a card and we just don't know what to say. Best wishes would sound silly at this time. (?)
He does have his loving and supportive family around him.
Thanks.
 
why not make a little sunshine basket with things you think he would enjoy. I'd stay away from foods because he may or may not have the appetite for some foods. And just say it is a special gift for him to enjoy.
 
I think just a "thinking of you" card would be fine and if you want you could add if we can do anything let us know ect
 
Keep it simple. "You are in our thoughts and prayers."

It's a tough thing to deal with. I know you'll find the words.
 
Yes, I agree with keep it simple. Actions probably speak louder than words in a situation like this, and the action of sending a simple "thinking of you" card seems appropriate.
 
Bina, as my best friend was living through the last months of her battle with cancer many of her acquaintances abandoned her. They would say to me "Oh, I just want to remember her as she was" effectively burying her before her death. Even a short visit to tell your neighbor that he is in your thoughts is likely to be very welcome. When someone dropped by for a chat, my friend, Ginger, would perk up for hours. While your neighbor is alive, a visit will lift his spirits and those of his family. You don't have to talk about anything of consequence. Your presence will speak for itself.
 
Bina, I have had friends and family with the same cancer. My hubbys brother and Father died of lung cancer. Its not a lovely site. They told us just visiting and being there and helping with ever was needed and was very greatful for that. I also sent cards just for encouragment and thinking of you. Do whatever is laid on your heart you'll be fine your very caring person. :)
 
The tough part with this is not acting normal. People tend to tip toe around a dying person rather than address the issue. This makes everyone uncomfortable.

A few years back, the son of a good friend of mine developed terminal cancer. After many trips to the hospital, he finally came home to die. He had always been a large guy who liked good food and fun. When I went to visit, everyone was somber and things were so tense you could cut the air with a knife. I walked in, looked at David, sat next to him on the couch and said: "Boy, you sure picked a hell of a way to lose weight." After a few seconds of silence, David started laughing and, from then on, it became a party celebrating his life and not concentrating on his death.

Not that I am advocating you do this. However, a card that reads something like: "We are so sorry to hear about your illness. You have been important in our life and we wanted you to know this. Thank you for being our neighbor."
 
Another thing you may think to do, if going to the store, see if they need anything. My former SIL just passed away with lung cancer. I used to send cards that were "thinking of you" and let her know "thoughts and prayers".
 
many avoid a cancer patient who is terminal. it is hard to do before you go to see the patient but once you get there, you may find it is much easier than you thought. You just tell them you are so sorry to know they are ill and are in your thoughts and prayers. If it's a card, there are plenty of them that do not mention any illness, just thoughts of you during this time. Please do it because it is really important to the patient to have contact with friends and loved ones. When my dear Joe was dying of cancer, Hospice told us it would be nice if we could write him a note to let him know how much we loved him. He got letters from both of his children, some friends. It certainly uplifted his spirits. Have courage and just be the person you always have been.
 
My elderly neighbor in my prior town developed pancreatic cancer. He asked me to come over through one of his sons, who approached me with some misgivings. His son coached me as we walked over that he was very near-term critical, and they were only saying positive things to him.

He called me into his room, and he looked gaunt. We talked about the weather, the plants, the things we always talked about when we ran into each other. Then he looked at me in a different way. He said, "you kow I'm dying." I said yes, I understood that was the case. "They won't even let me talk about it and it drives me crazy."

I said that they were afraid of losing him, and it was tough on him, but easier for them that way. He agreed, and said that he wasn't unhappy, he'd had a good life. I asked if he was afraid, and he said no. By then, his son was listening at the door. We talked a bit more and then he said, "you've been a good neighbor," and shook my hand. I said that he had been as well. He had a big smile on his face and looked greatly relieved. It was time to go.

His son bum's-rushed me out, obviously unhappy about our choice of conversation. He said that he had told me that they were trying to say only positive things around him. I replied that he knew he was dying, and that he needed to say goodbye, so I had to do that for him. That's why he had asked for me: he needed to be able to say goodbye to someone on open terms, even if it was just with a neighbor.

The son was still annoyed, so I went home. Charlie died later that evening. A week later, his son came over and said, "I finally understand what you were doing." We were able to talk about it and I went through some stories I had of his dad. He thanked me for being there for his father.

I'm not saying to open up the subject, and I'm not saying the person you're visiting would need what Charlie needed. I'm not saying that anyone will ever thank you for it. But I am saying to be willing to get tossed out on your ear to do the right thing if it becomes apparent, for your neighbor, your friend, your relative.

Often, the family will not discuss the reality of the situation with the patient. They know they are dying. They need closure. They need to express their fears. They need to say goodbye.

So, if nothing else, please let them look you in the eye and say goodbye.

Best wishes,
 
My husband works with the sister of this man, so we have brief updates on his condition.
I think we will send a "Thinking of you" card with a couple of farm photos inside and then we'll see where things go from there.
A gift basket would also be nice to share with his wife.
Thanks alot, your ideas are great and much appreciated. :)
 
Bob H, thank you for sharing your experience. My husband is very freaked out about all of this, but I'm hoping that by sending a card/gift first, maybe we will get a call from them and go from there.
 
I have to remember what one of Joe's doctors said, "You know, Nancy, Joe isn't stupid. He knows how he's feeling and he knows that he is dying."
 
I like Nancy's idea of a small gift, plus 'thinking of you' card with photos of the farm, and as Jeanette suggested, add a note asking him to let you know if there is anything you can do (only if you are willing to be there when they need you) as this situation is very tiring on the family too and they might appreciate some help. When my sister was diagnosed with terminal cancer, we appreciated it very much when some neighbors called us in the morning for a chat and bringing a pitch of coffee!!
 
When my best friend David was going through treatment and then to hospice I made myself available for whatever was needed ... I took him to lunch, then took lunch to him when he could no longer go out ... we talked, laughed and cried ... Sherry and I were by his side with his wife when he crossed over ... I will always treasure the times we had ... I like to think he does too ....
 
I've been trying to stay away from this thread because having lost my eldest brother & a very dear nephew to this terrible disease, it just brings back so much saddness for me.

But I agree with the others, that it's important that you not avoid your neighbor but instead make it known to him & his wife, that you & your husband are there for them when they need you. At the end, you will feel comforted by this gesture of love & caring.
 
Bina if you were in person,(notice) things you'd share if together you can write and enclosing the tractor pics is awesome cus it will expand his world @is easy gestureto remind him that there are friends who care

Terminal cancer is so difficult on everyone and 3 years ago my brother hated tears around him especially his wife and I cry at a drop of a hat,but when he died in my arms it was the hardest and never will that memory fade me,i let him go with a smile on my face and in my heart,should have been how he saw me as he shortly opened his eyes wide and told him i'd be catching up with him shortly and he took his last breath and smiled back.oh sooo dificult on everyone in family thats sooooo close to someone we did well at keeping our tears private from him,but sometimes they would trickle....very difficult
time and for his family too...im also sending my prayers to them to give them all strenght through this devastating time
 

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